I by no means really feel as lonely as I do on Eid day.
The loneliness started across the age of 19. I used to be relationship my now husband, Jack, and no one knew besides my mum. She wasn’t eager on the concept — I feel she hoped it’d be a part. A white boy part. Because the first-born baby of your complete prolonged household, it was as much as me to set the “proper” instance: Marry an excellent, Muslim man with a stable job and a decent household.
Eid actually means “feast” or “competition” and is a day for Muslims world wide to have fun. It’s a bit like Christmas for Muslims, besides we have now two of them: Eid al-Fitr, to mark the top of our holy month, Ramadan, and Eid al-Adha (which is that this Sunday), to commemorate the sacrifice of the prophet Abraham. I used to like every part about Eid: the getting-ready course of with my mum, sitting on her mattress and inhaling the plumes of hairspray and fragrance; ready for Dad to convey us roses after his morning journey to the mosque; baking lots of of desserts and handing them out to the neighborhood; scoffing sirkumu (a scrumptious concoction of butter, milk, cardamom, sugar, saffron, almonds, vermicelli, pistachios, and dates) for breakfast. Now, all of it made me really feel a bit empty inside.
So, I used to be 19 and decked out in a baby-pink salwar kameez and bangles. Henna snaked round my fingers and wrists. A barbecue was scorching within the backyard. Cousins have been screaming fortunately on the grass. Biryani was served by the ladleful. My grandma was handing out tenners (or “Eidi”) in vibrant envelopes. Everybody disappeared to wish when the adhaan known as over the radio, and me? I used to be tactically within the lavatory. I used to be already falling out of affection with Islam, or at the least my household’s model of it.
To at the present time (I’m virtually 27), I’ve by no means willingly eaten something haram or drunk alcohol. However I don’t cowl my hair, I hardly ever pray, I put on a bikini on the seaside and I’ve a canine. Gasp. My relationship with Allah is my very own, and I’m okay with that.
However on that Eid day, I used to be nonetheless figuring myself out. I’d left dwelling a 12 months or so earlier than and the transition between strict, conventional Muslim life and determining my very own relationship with Islam was jarring. And lonely. Right here I used to be, surrounded by laughter and pleasure, witnessing {couples} and households collectively, whereas an enormous a part of my very own life was shrouded in secrecy. I used to be totally in love with Jack already and I knew we’d get married and be collectively ceaselessly. He was form, affected person, charming, and intelligent. Our values aligned and our existence matched. He didn’t drink a lot and he didn’t care that I needed to abstain from intercourse. But I couldn’t inform my household. I couldn’t share my extremely wealthy tradition with him, and I couldn’t share him with them. I needed nothing greater than to be in that second, with my household, of their backyard, with Jack in tow.
“So, when are you getting married?” An aunt lower by means of my ideas in jest. It didn’t really feel like a jest. “Abu over there’s a nice match. He’s a paleontologist, you understand! And he has an important automobile. You need to converse to him. Why aren’t you talking to him?”
I’ve a white boyfriend. He’s wonderful. He would like to be right here. I like a white boy. I’m screwed.
I smiled and laughed and ate my crisps. On the automobile trip dwelling, I requested my mum if she may ask everybody to cease asking me questions on marriage and suitors. “Nicely, for those who weren’t so blinded by this silly white boy, possibly you’ll take into account these individuals!” she snapped. We drove the remainder of the best way dwelling in silence, me with tears in my eyes.
I’d identical to to say right here that I like my mum so much. She’s unimaginable. She’s not a foul particular person for believing one thing she’s been instructed her complete life. Faith and tradition is sophisticated. She is first-generation born British. Her mother and father grew up in India earlier than shifting to the UK. Her first language wasn’t English. She spent lots of her childhood serving to my grandparents acclimate to life in England. She additionally spent a few years in India whereas she was nonetheless at college. She spent the remainder of her time inside a tightly knit Muslim neighborhood in Coventry. Her upbringing was totally completely different from mine and her views are a results of that.
The subsequent few years after that Eid have been lonelier than ever. Issues with my household have been fractured after I ultimately instructed them about Jack. I’d ignore the subsequent couple of Eids altogether — they have been a painful reminder of how good issues with my household was once, and the way dangerous they have been now. But I yearned to reconnect with each my household and my tradition. I didn’t wish to lose that facet of me however I had no method again. I wasn’t mates with many South Asians, not to mention South Asian Muslims, and I didn’t know the place to search out them. Moreover, what would I say? “Hello, I’m Humeara and I’m actually battling my id proper now however I can’t go to my household for assist. Can I spend time with yours? Can we do our mendhi collectively? Can I hug your mum? Can I spend Eid together with your Indian household? Please?”
I’d inform Jack about how Eid was once and he’d strive his finest. “We are able to make our personal traditions as a household,” he’d say, giving me a kiss on the top. “It’ll be okay.”
Ultimately that’s what we did. We might collect our mates and go for dinner in an effort to recreate that sense of household and pleasure nevertheless it simply wasn’t the identical. I felt like I used to be in a film, watching every part in gradual movement whereas sounds performed as in the event that they have been underwater. Everybody round me was blissful however I felt separate and misplaced. I needed to be at dwelling with my household however I additionally needed to be with Jack, who by this level was an excellent greater a part of my life, having been my solely household for just a few years.
It haunted me that Jack would by no means get to expertise a traditional Eid day. Even when issues obtained higher with my household (and so they did), every part felt ruined. How may he ever really feel snug with them and them with him? And with each Eid that passes, I’m solely reminded of this. I’m reminded of our variations. Jack and I are so completely different. And me? I’m damaged now. I’m not “brown sufficient” for my household — I’m the resident “coconut” — however I’m not “white sufficient” both. I’m caught in limbo and I wish to get out. I simply wish to belong once more.
More often than not, I really feel fairly assured and proud of my life decisions and my interracial relationship however Eid highlights the tougher nuances of this. Now, I really feel extra snug and comfortable on Christmas Day (Jack’s household has all the time handled me as one in all their very own and I used to be welcomed instantly into the fold with gusto), and I really feel responsible for it.
I really feel responsible that I’m not as Indian and Muslim as I as soon as was — however on the identical time I don’t actually wish to be, I feel. I wish to be accepted as I’m. I want I may return in time and by some means get my household to just accept me as I used to be at 19 in order that I wouldn’t should expertise such heartbreak. Realistically, in fact, even when I may return in time, nothing can be completely different. I like Jack, even when our relationship will all the time be tinged with a touch of unhappiness and mourning.
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